22

I have been debating whether or not to post this or not. Part of me says no for a number of reasons. And part of me says yes for a number of reasons. May it be a testimony of God's providence...

February was the world's worst month. Seriously could not have gotten worse. I sadly kept on thinking of the quote: "when it rains, it pours." Thankfully, when that quote came to mind, I tried to refresh it with scripture and trusting God. Sometimes I succeeded. Sometimes I failed.

How could so much bad happen in one month? How does one person handle it? How does one 9-month pregnant girl handle it? Can't this send me into labor? Oh, Lord, please intervene.

I will not go into details. A lot of it did have to do with finances. My job ended in December and we have been living off of one youth minister income. At this same time: both cars broke. Pregnancy bills due. Taxes due. All of those numbers were way too high to even look at.

HOWEVER.....

God has been faithful.

Colby has been a strong leader and provider in the midst of this stress and has taught me a lot.

Let me tell you a story about how God provides....

It started in December, when I was getting stressed just thinking about not having a job. We were driving home from Kansas. We passed an exit sign: Exit #222. This HUGE peace came over me. Why? It was just an exit sign? No scripture? No revelation. Just an exit sign. Weird...

Then comes January. I went to a new cupcake place in town with some friends. We were just sitting there enjoying our coffee and cupcakes when our waitress came and took our dirty dishes away. As she picked up our plates, I notice on her hand that she wrote: "Geneses 22:14, the Lord will provide." Okay, coincidence? nope. Ironic? nope. God speaking? yes. I needed to know that God was going to provide for me. I needed to believe it.

Then comes February. One of the hardest months I have lived through. I really tried to focus on God and trusting and believing that He was going to work everything out. Once again, I had good days, and I had bad days. One day in particular, I was becoming weak. I was going through all of our expenses and income and it was not looking good. How can one number be so high and the other number be so low? It did not match up.

In the midst of not even having enough to pay bills, I have this husband next to me that is telling me all the people he wants to give to. He told me the amount we are giving to our church. He told me the amount we are giving to friends that are getting ready to serve as missionaries. I could not believe it? How is this going to work? He said, "We are not called to give when we have adequate money. We are called to give period. It is God's to begin with. Not ours." Thank you for the conviction, husband. I want to be just like you.

That same day, as I am looking at the numbers not adding up and listening to my husband tell me he wants to give it all away, I have what I would most likely call a mental breakdown. This is so sad, and so human. Why was I not trusting God. He already gave me a peace in December that He was going to provide. He already reminded me in January that He is the God who provides. Why was I not believing this on this day?!?!

I go and throw myself a little pity party and seriously am just weeping in bed. I am stressed, scared, oh, not to mention 9 months pregnant. Can we say hormones? (okay, I probably should not use the pregnancy card, but it works?!?)

As I am laying there being completely ridiculous, I have to sit up and get myself together. What are you doing Amanda? Why are you not trusting God? As I look over at the clock, it is conveniently 2:22 (have you noticed the 22 theme??----Exit sign 222. Scripture: Genesis 22. Time: 2:22). Once again, this huge peace comes over me and I felt the Lord saying what Genesis 22 says "I am the Lord who provides for you."

So..... I get up and decide to go on a walk and try to pull myself together and have a moment with the Lord. As I am on my way out, I stop by the mailbox to check the mail for day. There was an envelope that just had our name on it. When I opened it, it was full of cash. No name. No note. No nothing.

Seriously? And I doubted God? Why? Why am I so human? When will I really get it?

I am still learning. One of the very best things I am learning is to continue to give no matter what. My humanness wants to pay all of our bills and see what we have left and then maybe give. However, in this season of our life, we would never give. There just isn't enough. This is human speaking.

God speaking. It is His.
God speaking. It is not ours.
God speaking. We will give and trust.

Things are still rather difficult. However, there are certain choices I must choose to make each day. One of those choices is to choose to trust God in the midst of my circumstances. Whether they are good or bad. Whether it makes sense to me or not.

"The Lord will provide." -Genesis 22:14